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The Trouble with Amazon

Judging by the number of Amazon boxes that enter my home every week, one might assume I have a problem. So, I placed 147 online orders this year. So what? Mind your business.

I assure you all my purchases have been necessary. Well, mostly necessary. Would you believe a wee bit necessary? I live in a very small town and the nearest box store is an hour away, so I love the convenience of Amazon. Aside from the usual shipments of books, office supplies, and household items, I have admittedly purchased a few things that might cause the average onlooker to question my ability to make good choices.

Nose hair clippers: (As if chin hairs weren’t bad enough. Gaw!) This item sat in my shopping cart for months before I clicked the order button because I was in denial. Girls aren’t supposed to have nostril sprouts. I’ll spare you the hairy details, but the purchase was a sheer necessity. No pun intended.

Humane mouse traps: Yes, I know mice are vermin, but I hate the idea of cracking their little necks in a traditional trap. I’m happy to report the humane version is easy to use, and does the job. All I had to do was put bait inside, press the trigger into position and wait for Mr. Whiskers to wander across the threshold. When he did, the door snapped shut behind him. But then I had a new problem. What was I supposed to do with a live mouse? We stared at each other for a while before I opted to transport my furry captive down the road, across the creek and into a field. I figure if there’s a body of water between the mice and my home, there’s a good chance they won’t return. So far, so good.

Do it yourself brow-waxing kit: Because it’s my goal to have TWO eyebrows. (Unibrow be gone!) Plucking brow hairs is almost as miserable as plucking nose hairs. Why spend all that time blinking back pain-induced tears when you can do an entire brow in one, quick, painless step? Just smear the goop, wait thirty seconds, and give it a rip. I learned two valuable lessons. 1. It is not painless. 2. Brow-waxing and shaky hands (darn that espresso) do not go well together. Next item in my cart - eyebrow stencils.

Taco shells made from kelp and spinach: There are so many wonderful things I could say about this product. But they’d all be lies. They had the consistency of a rubber, bathtub stopper. They smelled like a freshly mowed lawn and tasted like hamster kibble. It’s almost impossible to bite through them; I was forced to grind my teeth and pull. Which left me with a mouthful of rubbery shell and a lapful of taco filling. Next item in my cart: a Taco Bell gift card.

Gorilla Tape: Yes, it’s a thing. And it’s awesome. I’m telling you, this stuff can fix anything – if it had existed in 1912, they could’ve repaired the hull of the Titanic, and history books would be much happier. I’ve used it to patch holes in a bird bath, fix a leaky gutter, and mend a couch. Don’t judge me, I have cats. (Which makes me wonder why I needed those humane mouse traps in the first place. Somebody around here isn’t doing their job.)

Other not-so-necessary purchases have included a quilted seat cover for the back of my Jeep -because my dog’s comfort is important to me. A grow light for my herb garden – no, not those kind of herbs. A siren whistle – because the way it goes “weeee” makes me laugh until my sides hurt. And a picture of a sloth riding a bicycle - because, duh - I’ve never owned a picture of sloth on a bicycle.

As of yet, I haven’t purchased the bacon-flavored gum, Nicholas Cage pillowcases, dill pickle lip gloss or the life-sized Danny DeVito cutout. But if you’re my friend, there’s a good chance you now know what you’re getting for Christmas. You’re welcome!


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